My Heart Is Dry But Still I'm Singing

Oh I miss my little boy so much. Sometimes it's hard to believe this has all even happened - where did my sweet family of four disappear to? Surely I will wake up one day and there he will be - cooing at me or following his big sister around or playing with his daddy. Surely one day I will wake up and realize this is all some kind of horrible bad dream.

But I won't. I know I won't. I know this is my life now - this is my new normal. I've read that it's common for grieving parents to experience denial, but there is no denying this for me. We spent most of Micah's birthday with him - holding him, having him near us, taking his picture, talking about him and his birth and death, facing the heart wrenching reality that is now ours. When we left the hospital, empty handed, we knew what we were doing. It was so hard to leave him there - probably the hardest thing I have ever done. Walked away and left my baby behind. That's not how things are supposed to be. Mothers aren't supposed to leave the hospital with no baby. Oh, that was so very, very hard. So hard.

As painful as it was, I felt peace with God about Micah's death. I take a lot of comfort from the fact that this was God's plan - for the most part I am not plagued with all the "what ifs" (what if we'd have gone to the hospital sooner, what if I had agreed to be induced the week before, what if, what if, what if...) because I know that it wouldn't have mattered. Psalm 139:13 - 16 is a great comfort to me -

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

¹⁶ your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

I know that God knew Micah, that Micah was a person with a soul, even if he never took a breath outside my body. And I know that all of Micah's days were ordained long before he was conceived. For whatever reason, and I don't pretend to know what that might be, Micah's life was to be lived out solely in the comfort and protection of his mama.

However, my peace with God now has an added emotion - distance. I feel so very distant from God right now. A lyric from the song Rain Down is a perfect way to put where I am right now spiritually - My heart is dry but still I'm singing. My heart is indeed dry, but I am still praying. My heart is dry but I'm still faithful. My heart is dry but I'm still drawn to church, drawn to worship - I'm still singing.

I hope one day soon I can say that my heart is no longer dry. And, of course, I hope to still be singing.

Micah's Birth : Part 2

I was taken to a labor/delivery room and immediately I asked for pain medication. Previous to this I was staunchly against pain medications, but at that point I could not deal with both the emotional and the physical pain. It was far too much to bear. I was given an IV narcotic while blood tests were run to make sure I could get an epidural (because of my thrombophilia issues and the medication I took through out my pregnancy) which made me feel woozy and like I was drunk. Although it took the edge off of the contractions, I waited anxiously for the epidural as I was still in quite a bit of pain.

People came in to talk to us. I don't remember much of all of this. I know there was discussion about my blood tests and the epidural and the nurses trying to console me and explain what was going to happen. The hospital chaplain came in at some point, I think. Mostly what I remember is laying in the hospital bed, gripping the side rail, and crying and moaning through contractions. I think this was the worse possible point in my entire life. I was reeling from the news of the death of my son and still deep in labor, trying to deal with such intense physical pain. It was awful. So awful.

I think I got a second dose of the IV narcotic pain medicine. They finally got my blood tests back and I was given the all clear for the epidural. The nurse anesthetist came and was so very kind, and I got my epidural. However, just like with L, the epidural only took on my right side, so although I had no pain on that half of my body, the left side continued to be in pretty bad pain. After an hour they topped off the epidural and about thirty minutes after that I finally felt relief.

My OB arrived, even though she was off that day, just to be with us and deliver our son. I was so very happy to have her there - what a comfort to have somebody we were familiar and comfortable with. I think the hospital chaplain came back and I was able to participate in the discussion that time. The lactation consultant came and we discussed the heartbreaking reality that although my baby was dead, my body would still make milk for him. Through all of this, my contractions had begun to slow, so my water was broken. Fairly soon after that (maybe 30 minutes after) my son was ready to be born.

Although I had gotten the epidural top off only about an hour before, I still had a bit of control over my legs and could feel some pressure, so pushing was a little easier than it was with L in that I could at least hold up my own legs. Apparently I am a champion pusher, because I only pushed for about 10, maybe 15 minutes (just like with L), and he was born, at exactly 10:00 am on Friday, June 4th. We did have to stop for a minute after his head was delivered as the cord was so tight around his neck it had to be cut off.

We hadn't had a name picked out and only decided on his name after he was born - Micah James. His name choice is a whole other post, so I'll tell that story another time. Anyway, it was a perfect match for him and I am in love with his name. He weighed 8 lbs 1 oz. and measured 20 inches long. His head was covered in beautiful, thick, dark hair and his eyes were a dark blue color. His eyelashes were dark and long, just like hubby and his eyebrows bushy like mine and dark like his father's. Long, sweet, wrinkly baby feet with ten adorable long little toes matched his adorable little baby hands and his long little fingers. Oh, he was beautiful and perfect and the loveliest little baby boy I have ever seen. Instantly I was overtaken with how much I loved him.

Micah's Birth : Part 1

I was due June 1st. For weeks I'd been having bouts of contractions - hours of contractions that many times would start to get stronger and closer together until I finally would think "maybe this is it" - and at that point they would peter out. The day before I went into labor I had a great OB appointment, heard my baby's heartbeat and had my membranes stripped. That afternoon contractions started - they got stronger and closer together, and I started to think I was really in labor this time. Around 1:30 am I told hubby that maybe we ought to try to get some sleep - if it was labor I would need the rest and if it wasn't labor then hopefully the contractions would go away. Sure enough they eventually went away and I got a little bit of sleep that night.

The next day though, the contractions started back up again and as the day went on they got stronger and closer together. In preparation of the fact that it seemed like labor was imminent, I cleaned the house, finished packing the bags for the hospital, had my mom come over to be with L and got all the little loose ends tied up. While my mom helped L with bedtime, hubby and I went and ran a few last minute errands - we picked up his computer from work thinking he wouldn't be back in the office for awhile, went by the mall and picked up the little jacket we needed to complete our baby's special coming home outfit and ran by the grocery store to get a few items for L and my mom to eat for the next few days. It was a wonderful evening and I felt so excited and so close with hubby. We held hands almost constantly and everything felt so relaxed and so right, it really was a perfect way to begin our time of welcoming our son into the world.

For the rest of the night I labored at home. I listened to special music I had picked out for labor while walking and rocking back and forth through contractions. Singing to the Lord (the labor songs I picked out were all religious) helped immensely and reminded me to surrender to Him and to the process my body had started. We kept the house dark and used candles as the main source of light. It was beautiful - exactly what I had wanted labor to be like. All throughout laboring at home I praised God for his faithfulness and thanked him for the glorious blessings he was heaping upon me. Around 1:00 am hubby and I walked outside for awhile which was lovely. The moon was beautiful and it was so nice to be out in the night air with him. And although the contractions were definitely intense and it was very hard work, I thoroughly enjoyed laboring and was so happy to finally be close to meeting my son.

Around 2:30 am hubby and I decided to lay down for awhile and try to get some rest. I was beginning to feel very worn out and although I was pretty sure this was the real deal, I wanted to make sure the contractions would stick around before I went off to the hospital. Sure enough, although they slowed a bit, the contractions kept coming, and were much stronger than before. After about 45 minutes I couldn't take them laying down anymore and I got out of bed. I noticed I was having some light bleeding and the contractions began coming much closer together, so I woke up hubby and we got ready to go to the hospital. This was definitely it - all of a sudden I was having contractions 2 minutes apart and they were incredibly intense. Right around 3:30 am the baby gave me some good, strong movements and I thought "oh, thank you baby for letting me know you're alright in there." This was the last time I felt him.

Soon after that we were off to the hospital, which is very close to our house, only about five minutes away. Contractions were coming so close and so strong, but I was still doing really well and knew that I would be able to make it through his delivery without pain medication as I had really wanted to do. Based on how close together my contractions were, I knew I was so close to meeting him and that labor would soon be over. I continued to pray and ask God for strength and help surrendering to Him and the labor.

We got off the elevator at labor and delivery. I had a super strong contraction walking to the nurses station, then another, then another at the nurses station. I couldn't really answer their questions and I'm so glad hubby was there to do the talking as I was almost constantly having contractions at this point. I wanted to shout at them - hurry up! The baby is almost here! But I couldn't get anything out and was only able to deal with the contractions at that point. Finally, after what seemed like ages, but was probably only 5 minutes or so, we got to triage. They began to look for the baby's heartbeat with the electronic fetal monitor. The nurse kept moving the monitor all over my belly and pushing down trying to find it - all the while I'm contracting and wanting to kick her in the face since it hurt so much when she pushed down on my belly with that stupid monitor. In my head I kept thinking - just look lower, just look lower - he's just really low, but of course no matter where she looked she couldn't get a heartbeat.

They call the doctor on call in with an ultrasound machine. Right away I knew what had happened. Unfortunately I've seen ultrasounds of babies with no heartbeats and I just knew, right away. I started to cry. The doctor keep looking with the ultrasound trying to find a heartbeat or some movement. There was none. I finally asked her "you don't see a heartbeat do you?" but she wouldn't give me a straight answer. I asked again and again and she reluctantly said she did not. I began to sob. My world was falling apart around me. All I could do was cry, and plead with God, "no, God, no, not this, please not this. Jesus, heal my baby, please God, bring him back to me, no God, please no."

Devastated

I've been in a weird place with this blog for a long time now. I started it as a way to get things out of my head when I was going through my daughter's pregnancy which happened three short months after a devastating miscarriage. After awhile I kind of ran out of things to write about - I just had no motivation to write and nothing I needed to get out of my head.

Well, unfortunately, I've got stuff to get out again. After suffering another miscarriage in March of 2009 I found out we were expecting again on our fifth wedding anniversary in September. A few days after his due date, during labor, my baby died. Just a few short hours before he was born. He was a beautiful, perfect little boy who died from a cord accident - the cord was so tight around his neck it had to be cut off.

I am devastated, to say the least. As I have time I am going to pick back up writing here - I've got quite a bit to get out of my head lately.