But I won't. I know I won't. I know this is my life now - this is my new normal. I've read that it's common for grieving parents to experience denial, but there is no denying this for me. We spent most of Micah's birthday with him - holding him, having him near us, taking his picture, talking about him and his birth and death, facing the heart wrenching reality that is now ours. When we left the hospital, empty handed, we knew what we were doing. It was so hard to leave him there - probably the hardest thing I have ever done. Walked away and left my baby behind. That's not how things are supposed to be. Mothers aren't supposed to leave the hospital with no baby. Oh, that was so very, very hard. So hard.
As painful as it was, I felt peace with God about Micah's death. I take a lot of comfort from the fact that this was God's plan - for the most part I am not plagued with all the "what ifs" (what if we'd have gone to the hospital sooner, what if I had agreed to be induced the week before, what if, what if, what if...) because I know that it wouldn't have mattered. Psalm 139:13 - 16 is a great comfort to me -
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
I know that God knew Micah, that Micah was a person with a soul, even if he never took a breath outside my body. And I know that all of Micah's days were ordained long before he was conceived. For whatever reason, and I don't pretend to know what that might be, Micah's life was to be lived out solely in the comfort and protection of his mama.
However, my peace with God now has an added emotion - distance. I feel so very distant from God right now. A lyric from the song Rain Down is a perfect way to put where I am right now spiritually - My heart is dry but still I'm singing. My heart is indeed dry, but I am still praying. My heart is dry but I'm still faithful. My heart is dry but I'm still drawn to church, drawn to worship - I'm still singing.
I hope one day soon I can say that my heart is no longer dry. And, of course, I hope to still be singing.