A Jumble

Ahhhh.  I got a new laptop and let me tell you it is wonderful to have a computer that like, works, and stuff and for longer than 20 minutes at a time without freezing and also doesn't sound like there is an airplane circling overhead just about to land on a strip in my family room.  Very, very nice and feels rather luxurious, especially since I am sitting here in my jammies, feet up, with a hot cup of coffee next to me.

So, some stuff has happened in the last few weeks, I will fill you in.  Firstly, my sweet little mellow baby who was a decent sleeper morphed into a sweet little baby who was not mellow, did not like to sleep and instead liked to cry a lot.  Oh and then there was the whole bloody diapers business that gave me heart palpitations. After making multiple rounds with the pediatrician it was determined that B has a milk protein allergy and is also sensitive to eggs, so no dairy or eggs for me anymore.  This has been challenging.  I mean, don't get me wrong, it is totally worth it to have a baby that doesn't scream and cry for 6 hours every evening and sleeps more than 10 minutes during the day and also doesn't poop blood, but it has still been challenging, especially since my favorite food was cheese, topped only slightly by Blue Bell natural vanilla ice cream and followed closely by a huge bowl of cold cereal with milk.  It's been kind of hard to not eat any of that and also chocolate (chocolate yall!) and most baked goods and yogurt and lots of processed foods (which I shouldn't be eating anyway, but still) and it makes eating out pretty difficult and also I have to use almond milk in my coffee which isn't the same at all.  Okay.  Pity party over.  I have found some delicious coconut milk ice cream and a type of cookie which I can eat and so when I feel particularly pitiful I go to the kitchen and eat from the carton while sneaking a cookie and hoping L doesn't notice.

Speaking of L, oh goodness you guys, but one of her little buddies from school, the first friend she made in her classroom, died last week.  What a terrible, terrible thing it has been, of course especially for the family who lost an incredibly sweet little girl but also for all the kids and teachers and the rest of us, too.  So heartbreaking and just awful.  I can't really even think too much about what the family is going through because it leads to sobbing and breaks my heart.  Her poor mother.  Helping L grieve her third loss in her short little life has also been gut wrenching and I want to know when she is going to get a break.  Not fair at all that my four year old is grieving the third person close to her that has died.  Not fair at all.

Also speaking of L, we've had another bout of strep throat and also a virus that lasted a full week.  It's been a rough few weeks for her, the poor kid.

The weather, however, has been cooperating and all the sunshine and warm temps does this body good.

Yesterday morning at church it was baby dedication day (our church dedicates a whole gaggle of babies one Sunday every few months) and I didn't hide or sob or get angry or anything even remotely inappropriate.  We did not dedicate B, we are waiting till hopefully my best friend can be in town again, but still, what a huge step forward for me to look at all those babies up on the stage and not erupt in tears.

As much as I would want to punch somebody in the face if they suggested that B makes things so much better after Micah's death, it's true to an extent that B does make some things better.  I don't know why I resist this so much, maybe guilt?  Maybe the whole 'how can things be better?  my boy is dead.' but the truth of the matter is things are better, I feel happier than I have in a long time and she has been like a healing balm on my heart.  Please don't hate me for that.

Signing off, I think the little one is waking up.