I've struggled with sharing happy, happy, joy, joy posts here because I know how hard it can be to read that crap when you're still in the thick of things with grief. Perhaps because I have really struggled with jealousy and envy and bitterness toward others who are pregnant or have babies or seem to procreate easily without all the miscarriages and shots and baby death, I sometimes assume all of you struggle with that to the same degree that I do, even though I know there are some of you who don't.
Today, though, I'm going to respond to Merry's invitation and share about the joy and hope and healing that B has brought into our lives these last four months.
And I guess I ought to not be so paranoid about sharing that around here as that is our story right now, even with Micah's second birthday coming up so quickly and the sadness we still feel over losing him, we do have joy in our home and maybe this will be the kick start that I need to start writing more about that.
When B was born it was hard for me to believe she was really here and safe and alive and that she would stay that way. I cried so much during her first few weeks at home. Cried from joy and relief and the overwhelming happiness that came with her aliveness and also from grief over all that we had missed out on with Micah and the way his memory was treated by some people after her birth and just from pent up emotions and because you know what? It felt good to cry even though it made me feel like a crazy woman.
Also I'm pretty sure I had a serious case of the baby blues and a touch of PPD to contend with.
But once the dust started to settle and it seemed more and more likely that she would stick around for awhile and my hormones kind of got themselves straightened out and I didn't spend my nights awake watching her breathe and listening intently for some unknown sign of something terrible happening, well, life has evened out.
It is beyond wonderful to have a baby in the house again. Being able to hold her and kiss her and take pictures of her that other people actually want to look at and singing to her and watching her grow and develop and smile at me, well, there's just nothing like it. It fills my heart right on up to the brim and then overflows. That's what it feels like, my heart spilling over.
Although I was happy after L was born and I'm sure would have felt the same way had Micah been born alive, the emotions this time have a depth that was not there before. I think there is something to the idea that going through a low can bring you to a new high. Knowing, truly knowing, what a gift her life is makes everything about her babyhood that much more joyous.
She has brought me out of the shell I created after the first miscarriage post L and to which I added layer upon layer through each loss and hurt. Suddenly I don't mind talking to people again. Suddenly I feel like a much more normal person than I have felt at any point since Micah died. Suddenly I feel like smiling, even when I'm having a bad day and things are going wrong, I can step back and be grateful for my two girls and husband and things don't seem so bad. Because, yall, I know what bad is, and bad is not when there are things that don't go your way or unforeseen bills that show up in the mailbox or somebody who treats you poorly. No, bad is when you leave the hospital empty handed and your life comes crashing down around you and it's almost impossible to even pull yourself up off of the floor and you desire to sleep in a corner in a large puddle of tears for the remainder of your life.
Not long ago I walked towards our playroom where my husband was sitting and chatting with both girls. I had to stop midway to the door because the emotions were just flooding over me. It's amazing. Just utterly amazing that I have two living children and a husband who loves me and really, they are all that matter here in this world. B's birth has brought me back, brought me back to a place of life, a place where I feel like I'm really living, a place that is filled with joy.
How does that coexist with everything we still feel over losing Micah? I don't know and can't explain it. Your guess is as good as mine.